So Long Self
Divorce Journey Part Twelve – In the next few months, I poured myself into becoming the person MyX had demanded ( Read my Divorce Journey Part Eleven ). I could feel the old Adam beginning to fade away. She was shaping me into being more like her. I was becoming a perfectionist that was hellbent on everything being up to her standards. Ice was begining to flow through my veins. I was lost. The man that stared back at me in the mirrors was a distorted version of who I used to be.
I have always had the ability to feel things intensely. I can sympathize with almost anyone about anything. One would not consider me a full-blown empath, but I can imagine putting myself one’s shoes and walking a few blocks for sure. When MyX demanded that I change from the old Adam into her new creation, part of me wanted to stop feeling. I struggled as I did not want that part of me to die. Unfortunately, the rest of the old Adam did die that year. I never even got the chance to grieve the death of the old me. The loss of old Adam would be something that would haunt me for the next decade.
January/February of 1999, MyX finally ended all communication with MrP. It was a bold and brave thing for her to do. I do not know if she has had contact with him since that time. She has stated she has not., but she was not trustworthy back then. At that point, I felt a bit of relief. I was thinking, “Now, we can begin to work on us.”
Counseling Plea Part Two
I made a huge mistake thinking MyX would finally get us into counseling and begin the healing process. It never happened. I was now a shell of a human and running on anxiety alone. I kept working harder and harder to be the man she was demanding that I become. The harder I worked, the more lost I became. I was in desperate need of counseling, but I still felt I could not go to anyone. It would put pressure on her, and I was trying to save the fragile marriage we had at this point.
We finally made it to the point where MyX left the job where she traveled a lot and had the affair. This was the next step in what I thought would help her settle into marriage and prepare for starting a family. She found a local job, and we set about planning our children. My initials thoughts of her settling down were short lived. Again, my new moniker would find my neck. It was becoming a permanent place to hang. I. WAS. A. DAMN. FOOL.
Thanks for helping!?!
Not long after MyX started her new job, she mentioned that there was a coworker of hers that was having marital problems. She explained how she was “helping” HIM through his problem. I could not believe what I was hearing. I probably stood there dumbfounded with a look of, REALLY? I thought to myself, “You would help a male coworker, but you are not willing to help me? Your husband that you destroyed?!” I could not believe this was happening again. She had never really owned up to the affair and looked the other way at all the destruction she had sewn into me. Was she going to help another man? The internal, stuffed, feelings were beginning to go to the level of nuclear. The worst of it is yet to come.
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