Divorce Journey Part Thirteen- My shadow of a life continued ( Read Divorce Journey Part Twelve ). MyX seemed to be content with the elimination of the old Adam. We continued our plans of starting a family in the winter of ’99. Shortly after our planning, MyX was pregnant with our first child. I had nightmares that the child she was carrying was not my own. I never let MyX know of all the anxiety I was facing.
Our first child was born in Sept of 2000. He is an exceptionally beautiful child. Smart, funny, full of life and I was releaved to know he looked a lot like me. If you are the parent of a biological child, you will get people commenting on how much “he/she” looks like you. When you are a survivor of an affiar, these comments create all kinds of anxiety. My anxiety only increased over the years. I was still falling apart inside. I had my beautiful son, but I was scared to death to find out that he might not be mine. I was never really able to get as close to my children because of my anxiety of not trusting that their mother was sleeping around behind my back. It wrecked me as a dad as well. I was needing serious mental help more and more each day.
My Lava Soul
Four years had past since the affair. Our first born was nearly three and a half years old. We had settled into our new small family setting. Things were as good as they could be given my brokeness. One evening, MyX approached me with a very troubled look on her face. The conversation went something like this:
MyX, “I need to tell you more about Atlanta.”
Me, “Okay?!? What about Atlanta?! [My tattered andscarred heart ripping apart]”
MyX, “MrP and I did stay in the same hotel.”
Me saying nothing, thinking “You were right Adam! You dumbass fool! You were right!!!! All of the prep work, all of the lies you knew she was saying. All of the isolation during that week!! You were right about this monster!!!”
MyX, “Not only did MrP and I stay at the same hotel, we stayed in adjoining rooms”
Me, me thinking. “What!?! You planned all this???” I asked her,“Did you sleep with him?”
MyX, “We slept in the same room, but we didn’t have intercourse!”
Me, “What do you mean you slept in the same room but didn’t have intercourse?”
MyX, “I didn’t let him past my undergarments, I kept my undergarments on.”
Me thinking, ”Yeah, right, do I look stupid or what?”
At this point the old Adam has pretty much faded away and all my emotional hurts, got washed over with pure molten, rage! From that point forward, I was full of rage and still no counselling. I was beyond broken at this point.
MyX finally saw that counselling was need to help with me. I don’t remember hardly anything about the counselling sessions. The old Adam was dead. I was so lost in my rage that I could not focus. I knew I didn’t want to lose my relationship with my son, but I honestly beleived I was married to the most “evil” person in the world. I didn’t believe in divorce at that time. I honor my promises to God that I would only be married once in this lifetime. I was trapped.
The next 12 years, like clockwork, we would have one of these, “what are you doing to our marriage?”, moments every year and a half or so. I could not understand how a highly educated, super smart women, could be so careless with our marriage. I wanted her to protect the marriage. Not treat it like a baby treats a diaper. I began to watch MyX intently. I felt as if she had placed a 2000 pound anvil over my head. It was there just waiting to crush me with her next careless moment with another man. I took notice of every little slip up that could jeopardize our marriage. I felt I had to become this grown womens moral compass. It exhausted me and our household. Even through all of this, I still did not justify divorcing her or having an affair. I was loyal fool.
Continue reading my Divorce Journey | Part Fourteen
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