Divorce Journey Part Ten – Soon after her thin assurance ( Read Divorce Journey | Part Nine ), she would not leave me, she came to me with a very agitated look and stated. “I did not get to make this decision, and I will not let you guilt me into making this decision.” She was angry and determined! I was confused as I was trying to fight for our marriage. My mind began to hear her intently. Her eyes showed that she was taking her reasonable perfectionist control to an extreme level I had never seen before.
I asked if we could go to counseling and get the help we needed. I cried for mercy, “I’ll do anything!” As a result of my weakened desperation, it allowed her to take advantage of the situation. She demanded! “I will not be pressured!” “I will only go to counseling if I chose the counselor, and I will make this decision!”
At that point, I was so desperate to do anything to save our marriage. I agreed to her demands. “Okay! No pressure!” I said. At that moment, I resolved to keep all of this quiet. It would stay with me. No one will ever know about this! She was now in the driver’s seat of our fate. I have to wait and see if she will choose to stay with me or move on with MrP.
Paralyzed by fear
Fear, hopelessness, silence, and abandonment had a death grip on me. Walking on eggshells would have been a walk in the park compared to the enormous amount of pressure and isolation I felt. It was the first time in a long time that God and I were it. It proved to be all I needed in the end. I prayed liked I had never prayed before. He heard my prayers. She was wrestling with her salvation and her human desires. In the end, she was having none of it.
Not leaving [sort of]
By August of that same year, MyX had decided she would not leave me. I was very relieved and so grateful for her choice, but as I had become all too familiar with her devastating news, the relief evaporated in an instant. There was another conference she was to attend in Atlanta with the homewrecking MrP. She mentioned to me that she would tell him there that she was staying with me.
As the time grew closer, I asked her if she and MrP were staying in the same hotel. MyX stated, “No, We’ll be at the same conference, but we are not in the same hotel.” I took some relief on knowing this. When the conference approached, I could see MyX was excited and going through a unique process to prepare. She did not appear to me as someone that was dreading the conference and ready to move on with her marriage. The clothes she chose for the event were that of someone going out on a week-long date. She focused on her appearance as if she was looking to turn heads not to save her marriage. She groomed everything about her. I was panicked. I asked her, “Why don’t you do these things for me?” She stated, “I am doing this for you.”
Side note: This was part of a massive series of lies that I would find out about almost four years later. She also asked me to do something for her before she left that I regret the most. I cannot say what precisely at this time, but by her admission almost 15 years later, she stated, “Wow! That was really messed up!”
Back to square silence
Her bold white lies made me begin to see what she was up too. I asked her again if she and MrP were staying at the same hotel. “Are you planning on telling him that you are staying with me?” I asked. She reassured me on both counts.
She flew into Atlanta, and I called her that evening to see what if she had arrived safely. She stated that she had a pleasant flight to Atlanta. There was a lot of noise going on around her. I asked what she was doing. She said, “MrP and her were playing pool.” I began to panic, and I asked her, “Have you told him yet?” What I got next I was not expecting. She became very irritated and stated in a very stern voice, “Don’t pressure me! I will tell him when I’m ready! And don’t call me the rest of the time I’m here!”
I would not hear from her for the next week and a half.
A new moniker was forming around my neck. “You’re a DAMN FOOL for trusting that monster!” This moniker had the weight of the world attached to it, and I would wear it for many many years to come.
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