Divorce Journey Part Fourteen – The beginning of the end was when she started attending Fuller Seminary in the fall of 2012. I had high hopes of her becoming a full time employee of the Church. I was so exhuasted of gaurding my heart and watching hers from straying from our marriage ( Read Divorce Journey Part Thirteen ). I was so desprate for help, that knowing how some Churches have very stringent rules about opposite sex interactions, that I was certain I would have help in protecting our marriage if she went to work for a Church. But, we never made it that far. It would be over before she even graduated seminary.
The Study Group
Study groups are life to a graduate student. I knew she would need the support and help from her fellow classmates. Her group was comprised of MyX, another female and a male. I thought, okay, the two females, public setting, it should be safe. This was, again, foolish optimism on my part. The other female would have to step out of the group from time to time. This allowed opprotunity to raise it’s ugly head. MyX did not have strong enough boundaries to realize a female/male study group was a big NO! Shortly after all of the group dynamic changes, MyX came home from school telling me the male student was confiding in her some information about his family when the other female study partner was not present. For those that know how emotional affairs begin, you will be seeing the huge red flags going off in your mind at this point. MyX’s emotional attachment to men always begins with “secret” trust and confidence. My mind, already hanging on by emotional threads, snapped! At that point, I completely lost it. I could not believe we were going through this!…. AGAIN!!!!
MyX seemed confused as if the confessions of her male study partner were no big deal. She did not know what to do. She could see that mentally I was in a much more dark and angry place. This some how sparked a moment of reason and logic on her point that “WE” needed help some sixteen years after the affair. She pleaded for us to see a counselor. We began seeing one that she had found and it lasted three whole sessions. He wanted to focus on feelings and dishwashers. Yes, your read that right, DISHWASHERS! I was not having it. I know my root emotion for the anger. Fear and pain and soul crushing anxiety. My anxiety was off the charts when it came to MyX’s carelessness of our marriage. Her unwillingness to fix the messes she creates. The emotional check-out and passive aggressive nature were killing me. I was still raging and extremely hurt. I remember telling her, “I’m pretty much the man you created and I don’t think counselling will help at this point.” She kept begging for us to go to councelling. I said, “If we go, it needs to be with a counselor that specializes in Affair Recovery. She talked to Pastor M’s wife, A, and she recommend a program called AffairRecovery [Side Note: I do not recommend this program. Everyone of the couples that went through this in our group session ended in divorce]
Ever since the last cheating incident from my past ( Read Divorce Journey Part Four ), I have worked very hard to remove any worry of an affair for MyX. This would be the last thing I would wish on anyone. It is, beyond horrible, BEYOND! I am 100% affair proof. There is not one thing another women could have offered me at this point in my life to make me think the grass is greener on the other side. It’s not! And let’s be honest! IT’S JUST GRASS!!!! MyX and I learned through Affair Recovery that safety is the first thing a recovering marriage needs to strive for to be healthy. MyX also learned that since she had an affair at least once, she could never be 100% safe ever again. I completely disagree. I’m living proof. She had said, “I need to feel like I’m capable of having affair. I’m 95% certain I’ll not have an affair again.” This still baffles me. Everyone, who is anyone that is married, is capable of having an affair. Every one of them! Most “choose” not to have one! I needed to know that MyX woud never have an affair again. I needed 100% assurance given the hell I had to endure for 16 years!
I Can’t Do This Anymore
The 100% assurance never happend and in reality it never would have happened. I remeber after the failed Affair Recovery Program I uttered words to myself that I thought I would never say. “I can’t do this anymore.” Divorce was never an option for me, but I knew I could not “live” with her as my wife any longer. In the fall of 2014, we finally separated. After almost twenty years of marriage, 6 years of dating, and serveral years before that of being friends, it was over. We started divorce proceedings in late spring of 2015. I was finally able to begin the healing process after 16 tortuous years of being alone and on my own in a very toxic and broken marriage.
Thank you for reading my divorce journey. My hope is that you can find bits and pieces of it to relate to your journey. Know that you are not alone in this world. If you need someone to talk too, please leave a comment, or contact on any of my social media sites.
I will write my healing journey as soon as I get time. Blessings!
💙 2 U All | StrongerByTheSecond