Divorce Journey | Part Four | Mad or Even?


My Changes For The Worst


Divorce Journey Part Four –  After returning from Baylor on MyX’s birthday weekend ( Read Divorce Journey |  Part Three ), I began to hang out with my college friends.   Drinking and partying became the norm on the weekend to escape the hurt.  My friends would ask about MyX, and I would not give an honest answer.  I would say that we were great and everything is fine with us.  A few friends began to notice that I was not making plans to see her anytime soon.  They began to see something was not quite right with me.  I was not talking about MyX as much as I used to.


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I finally confessed to a few close friends that I think our relationship may be over.  They asked why this was happening to us.  There was no choice but to tell them why we could be over.  I explained to them how she had left me to be with Guy1 and Guy2 (Read Part three).   They were shocked and said that they would have never suspected MyX would be that type of person.  They asked me what I was going to do.  I did not have an answer.


I cared for MyX at the time, but my heart and head were very broken.  It was if I had become the plan “B” guy in her life.  My friends could see that I was mad and upset.  One gave me a bit of advice that would set off a chain of events that I would soon regret.  He mentioned not to get mad, get even.


Side note:  This advice was coming from well-intended teenage people “My friends” to a broken teenager “Me.”  MyX would often say later in life that she was just a kid when all this happened.  I have to agree up reflection, we were very young and not so bright back then.


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Bad Advice, Equality, and Party Girls

Weekend parties and hanging out with well-intended, but teenage friends, proved to give me a “get even” or “equality” mindset. These actions would prove to be a massive mistake on my part.  In the course of the next few months, I began to meet these “party” girls.  These girls were there to have a good time and were not looking for long term relationships.  I had never met them before and didn’t even know if they were attending college or were just there to party.  As I began to see them at the party scenes in and around my college, I would often find myself drinking and hanging out with them and their friends.  As you may have guessed by now, these party girls would make it all too easy for me to get even for Guy#1 and Guy#2.


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Complete Selfish Madness

I had allowed myself to cheat on MyX. Not just once, but twice! Ugh! What was I doing?! What was I thinking?! Deep down, my teenage mind, hell-bent on getting even, felt justified! I felt vindicated for the hurt, anger, and total disregard I felt by MyX back then.  The brief justification and vindication did not ease my troubled conscience. This was for “Guy #1 and Guy #2”, I kept telling myself.  It didn’t help my conscience at all.  In fact, it troubled me greatly. I had become the same person that was hurting me.


Side note: Little did I know MyX would try to change me to be more like her shortly after this time. This proved to be disastrous for our marriage. Instead of being a funny, easy going human, I became a sociopathic-perfectionist-monster like her.


It disgusts me today to even think about who I was back then.  I despise cheating and cheaters.  I would resort to extreme personal measures to make sure I never cheated again.


Continue reading my Divorce Journey | Part Five.

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Divorce Journey Part Four Mad Or Even
Divorce Journey Part Four Mad Or Even

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