Divorce Journey Part Eleven – The destruction had begun! My mind raced out of control ( Read Divorce Journey | Part 10). My anxiety levels went through the roof, and I was in a complete mental meltdown. She demanded that I do not pressure her. What was I to do? I could not eat, nor sleep, or even begin to think clearly at this point.
My tortured mind cobbled together what few rational thoughts it could. ” I don’t know this man!”
“What if he kidnaps her?”
“What if they run off to Holland?”
“What if he’s violent?”
“What if his wife shows up and hurts MyX?”
Why won’t I Die
I was a complete mess. Could I tell anyone what was happening? No, I could not go to anyone! I could not pressure her! It was just God and me.
I flashed between hopeful and hopeless. I was angry and hurting. The hopeless feelings were becoming overwhelming. I did not want to live anymore!
I prayed for the next few days for immediate death. My Biblical beliefs did not me allow to murder anyone, including myself. Suicide was not possible, but praying for death would be. I prayed day and night for God to end me so I would not have to endure the pain and suffering any longer. I could not bear to let me out of control thoughts keep me alive. I kept wondering if she was safe, or even in Atlanta. My mind was filled with horrible thoughts of her being with this man. Was she sleeping with him? Was she in his arms, in his room, in his bed? No! She said she was not staying at the same hotel or was she? I was a complete lost cause and did not want to live anymore.
Side note: I’m not sure why God allowed me to stay alive and endure a troubled life with her, but He did. Upon reflection, it was to help those that have or will suffer the same torturous journey that I have. Writing this blog and helping others is the very reason He did not allow me to die at the moment in time. I am grateful to have survived that time with MyX wife and all the other horrors I suffered while being married.
The Pot Begins to Boil
I began recalling all of the things she was doing right before the trip. The moniker of “Damn Fool” weighed heavy on me. She was going there with her own agenda. She was not going to tell him she was leaving, but she was having her last week and a half long fling with this man! All of this while I am back in Texas praying to die for the relief of the pain and anxiety! But, she did not care. She never once called to check on me or reassure me. I don’t believe she really ever cared. She only wanted her desires met. The rest of the world be damned. I was such a fool.
The reflection of the past few weeks made me angry, but this is not where the real anger started (Future post).
She returned from Atlanta, and I was thankful to see her safe. She had a very stressed/confused look on her face like she still didn’t want to leave him. I tried to make the separation as painless as possible. My fight for my marriage was taking a huge toll on me. I was becoming a shell of the person I was before all of this started. The end of the old Adam was near.
Continue reading my Divorce Journey | Part Twelve (Coming Soon)
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